ÿþ00:00:32:18 00:00:33:19 (KNOCKING ON DOOR)
00:00:33:21 00:00:35:04 Come in.
00:00:36:03 00:00:38:14 Hello, Father. Mother said you wanted to see me.
00:00:38:16 00:00:40:04 Yes, yes, come in, Timothy.
00:00:40:06 00:00:43:05 Erm, just wanted a word.
I wondered if you could... Oh.
00:00:44:04 00:00:47:03 Oh, damn this drawer!
I just don't seem to be able to open it.
00:00:47:10 00:00:49:02 I wonder, would you mind?
00:00:51:08 00:00:52:17 Yes!
00:00:52:21 00:00:56:22 Yes, it's true! Every word is true!
00:00:57:04 00:01:01:06 I tried to fight it, but I knew it was useless.
It's true!
00:01:02:09 00:01:03:18 Father?
00:01:04:16 00:01:08:11 Timothy, it's time you knew who you were.
00:01:10:00 00:01:13:10 -I know who I am, Father.
-No, child, you do not.
00:01:13:14 00:01:15:03 I'm Timothy Forrest.
00:01:15:05 00:01:17:13 No, I wish it was so, but no.
00:01:17:15 00:01:19:00 Sit. Sit down.
00:01:23:12 00:01:25:10 Twenty-five years ago,
00:01:26:03 00:01:28:11 the doctors told your mother and me
00:01:28:13 00:01:31:14 that it would be impossible for us
ever to have children.
00:01:32:04 00:01:33:07 Oh, why not?
00:01:33:09 00:01:37:14 I can't remember the exact reason.
It was something to do with penises, I think.
00:01:37:16 00:01:40:24 So we decided to adopt a child.
00:01:42:03 00:01:43:13 I see.
00:01:43:15 00:01:47:02 -And you chose me?
-After a great deal of shopping around, yes.
00:01:48:08 00:01:52:04 From a new edge-of-town orphanage
that had opened just outside Royston.
00:01:52:13 00:01:55:03 Well, did they tell you who my real parents were?
00:01:55:05 00:01:59:21 Please, Timothy, let me tell this in my own way,
in my own time, in my own clothes.
00:01:59:23 00:02:01:21 I'm sorry, Father.
00:02:02:23 00:02:07:10 On your seventh birthday
a man called round to this house.
00:02:08:01 00:02:11:03 His name was Furlo Roth.
00:02:11:22 00:02:15:03 He took out a small multi-bladed knife,
00:02:15:15 00:02:18:01 and he placed it in this drawer,
00:02:18:08 00:02:21:09 the drawer that you have just opened, Timothy.
00:02:21:13 00:02:23:25 He then closed the drawer
00:02:24:02 00:02:28:02 and said that only the Chosen One
would be able to open it.
00:02:28:21 00:02:33:03 You, Timothy, you are the Chosen One.
00:02:34:07 00:02:35:09 I am?
00:02:35:17 00:02:39:16 And this is Berwhale the Avenger.
00:02:41:12 00:02:44:07 The weapon of the Chosen One.
00:02:45:17 00:02:47:19 Tomorrow is your 25th birthday,
00:02:47:21 00:02:52:02 and you must leave us to go in search
of Pewnack the Destroyer,
00:02:52:08 00:02:55:02 the Dark One, the Beast.
00:02:56:10 00:02:59:08 -Golly.
-When the fourth moon of Trollack
00:02:59:10 00:03:04:03 rises above the Cylinder of Eyelass
then Pewnack will strike.
00:03:04:08 00:03:06:12 His kingdom shall be numberless
00:03:06:14 00:03:09:08 and darkness will blight the land.
00:03:09:11 00:03:13:20 All men will be slaves
and the time of weeping will begin.
00:03:14:07 00:03:17:07 Only the Chosen One can stop him.
00:03:17:09 00:03:21:18 So it is written in the runes
of Ollerman-Goth, so it must be.
00:03:21:20 00:03:27:12 And only Berwhale the Avenger
can pierce the armour of the beast.
00:03:30:08 00:03:32:02 I knew it!
00:03:32:04 00:03:36:11 It sounds funny, Father,
but in my heart I knew there was something.
00:03:36:16 00:03:39:19 I realise now that I've been waiting
for this moment all my life.
00:03:39:21 00:03:42:18 Yes! Yes, it must be so.
00:03:42:24 00:03:46:20 So where will I find
this beast, this Pewnack the Destroyer?
00:03:47:00 00:03:50:20 He lives far beyond in Saffron Walden.
00:03:52:16 00:03:54:08 Saffron Walden, right.
00:03:54:10 00:03:56:03 You must go there.
00:03:56:05 00:03:58:09 Surprise is the key.
00:03:58:11 00:04:02:21 If he knew that you were after him,
he would set the minions of Threek on you.
00:04:03:15 00:04:08:02 Become a part of the community.
Get a job in a canning factory.
00:04:08:04 00:04:10:12 Bide your time.
00:04:10:20 00:04:13:02 And how will I know this Beast?
00:04:13:04 00:04:15:23 Only Teece the Wise One can tell you.
00:04:16:02 00:04:17:09 -Teece?
-Teece.
00:04:17:24 00:04:22:11 After six months, when you have been accepted
by the Saffron Walden community,
00:04:22:13 00:04:25:05 then Furlo Roth will call on you
00:04:25:07 00:04:27:20 and show you how you might find Teece
00:04:27:22 00:04:32:21 and together set out on your quest
to rid the world of Pewnack forever!
00:04:32:23 00:04:35:21 Yes, yes it shall be done!
00:04:35:23 00:04:38:17 Now, take Berwhale the Avenger,
00:04:38:19 00:04:41:16 go upstairs and wash your hands for lunch.
00:04:44:00 00:04:45:08 Right.
00:04:48:08 00:04:49:08 (EXHALING)
00:04:52:23 00:04:54:01 Well?
00:04:54:06 00:04:55:25 I think he swallowed it.
00:04:57:03 00:04:58:04 Thank God.
00:04:58:06 00:05:01:11 Get that lazy little sod out of the house
and earning his living.
00:05:03:15 00:05:07:03 Well, we had our first child on the NHS.
00:05:07:12 00:05:10:15 And had to wait nine months. Can you believe it?
00:05:11:24 00:05:15:02 I found young people
are no longer enticed into the church
00:05:15:04 00:05:18:12 on the promise of guitars and a little folk music.
00:05:18:14 00:05:20:03 We have to move with the times.
00:05:20:05 00:05:23:03 We've started showing leather and bondage films
in St Barnaby's
00:05:23:05 00:05:24:16 and the results have been very good.
00:05:24:18 00:05:28:16 We were packed last Sunday.
Mostly young Conservatives, but it's a start.
00:05:29:14 00:05:32:11 Well, I looked over at my friend Suzy
00:05:32:13 00:05:36:06 and her body was there
but her head was right over there.
00:05:36:21 00:05:39:04 It was quite a weekend, I can tell you.
00:05:40:06 00:05:43:09 I think, in 50 years' time, people will be saying
00:05:43:11 00:05:46:18 ''Whatever happened
to the traditional English McDonald's?''
00:05:46:20 00:05:49:23 Eh? It's a thought, isn't it? Eh?
I mean, think about it. It's a thought.
00:05:50:00 00:05:53:01 Do what, eh? Well, it is a thought, isn't it? Right?
00:05:53:03 00:05:55:21 All right. I mean, do what, turn it up. Right?
00:05:59:16 00:06:03:11 This woman is very upset.
We think you should hear her story.
00:06:03:23 00:06:05:12 -Now, Sally...
-Sarah.
00:06:05:14 00:06:06:22 Sarah. Damn!
00:06:08:17 00:06:09:23 Sarah.
00:06:10:01 00:06:13:00 Would you like to tell us
what it is that's upset you like this?
00:06:13:02 00:06:14:07 No.
00:06:14:22 00:06:16:02 -You're too upset?
-Yeah.
00:06:16:04 00:06:19:18 Right. Sarah's too upset even to talk about
what it is that's upset her.
00:06:19:20 00:06:21:19 That's how upset she is.
00:06:21:21 00:06:24:24 Would it be all right if I told the viewers
what it is that's upsetting you?
00:06:25:01 00:06:26:09 No.
00:06:27:20 00:06:29:01 Right.
00:06:29:09 00:06:32:13 Right. Well, you can see for yourselves
that Sarah is immensely upset,
00:06:32:15 00:06:37:15 so upset that she won't even let me tell you
on her behalf what it is that's upsetting her.
00:06:37:17 00:06:40:04 I think I can, however,
give you the very barest details.
00:06:40:06 00:06:41:22 -Basic...
-No, you can't.
00:06:43:14 00:06:45:12 Right. No, absolutely not.
00:06:48:04 00:06:49:18 The thing is they're, um...
00:06:50:10 00:06:53:10 They're probably all a bit curious to know
what it is that's upsetting you now
00:06:53:12 00:06:56:21 and, you know, if I... I'd be letting them down
if I didn't tell them something.
00:06:56:23 00:06:58:07 Oh, but you can't.
00:06:58:23 00:07:00:09 Okay, okay.
00:07:00:11 00:07:03:00 -So, I... I can't even...
-No, no...
00:07:03:03 00:07:04:07 Right.
00:07:16:01 00:07:17:12 What are you doing?
00:07:17:24 00:07:21:00 -Nothing.
-Were you telling them what's upset me?
00:07:21:04 00:07:22:17 -No.
-Good.
00:07:22:20 00:07:25:06 Well, I mean, you told me not to,
so obviously I wouldn't.
00:07:25:08 00:07:26:14 Right.
00:07:33:20 00:07:35:16 You bastard!
00:07:36:02 00:07:39:02 -What? I wasn't doing anything. I... I was...
-I trusted you.
00:07:39:04 00:07:42:06 Well, good.
I'm glad 'cause, you know, I trusted you.
00:07:42:12 00:07:44:03 I don't want your trust.
00:07:54:03 00:07:56:16 Right. Well, I think...
I think she's gone upstairs, so...
00:07:57:11 00:08:00:21 Basically, I can tell you that what happened was
she was...
00:08:04:20 00:08:08:24 Hello, I wonder if you can remember
what you were doing
00:08:09:01 00:08:13:14 at half past three on the 1 6th of August, 1 977.
00:08:14:02 00:08:18:13 I remember exactly.
I was revising for my insect-killing exams.
00:08:18:22 00:08:21:04 In those days
you could never really call yourself educated
00:08:21:06 00:08:23:01 unless you knew how to kill wasps.
00:08:23:03 00:08:26:08 Anyway, as I say,
I was swatting away for these exams
00:08:26:10 00:08:30:21 when I felt a sudden rush in my soul,
00:08:31:08 00:08:36:06 a sense of something incredibly beautiful
and mysterious passing into me.
00:08:36:10 00:08:37:19 An extraordinary feeling,
00:08:37:21 00:08:42:08 not unlike an evening with Cliff Michelmore
but somehow more peaceful.
00:08:43:01 00:08:45:17 What could this feeling portend?
00:08:45:24 00:08:49:01 Two hours later I discovered its meaning exactly.
00:08:49:03 00:08:52:02 For it was precisely at that time
00:08:52:08 00:08:55:15 that Elvis Aaron Presley died.
00:08:56:09 00:09:01:06 I knew then that the soul of Elvis
had passed into me.
00:09:02:15 00:09:06:16 And since that day
I have, more or less, been Elvis.
00:09:07:02 00:09:11:05 I've spent nearly all my time
stuffing my face with ice cream and Big Macs
00:09:11:07 00:09:14:05 and popping Percodan and Quaalude pills.
00:09:14:07 00:09:16:09 It's eerie, isn't it? Extraordinary.
00:09:16:11 00:09:19:15 But I am, of course,
not the only person into whom Elvis,
00:09:19:17 00:09:23:06 with his customary generosity, breathed his soul.
00:09:23:08 00:09:26:11 # Love me tender
00:09:26:15 00:09:28:18 # Love me sweet
00:09:29:19 00:09:33:20 # Never let me go
00:09:35:23 00:09:41:05 # You have made my life complete
00:09:42:07 00:09:46:04 #And I love you so
00:09:48:14 00:09:51:10 # Love me tender
00:09:51:20 00:09:54:06 # Love me true
00:09:54:14 00:09:58:23 #All my dreams fulfilled
00:10:00:18 00:10:03:19 # Oh, my darling
00:10:03:23 00:10:06:04 # I love you
00:10:07:00 00:10:11:16 #And I always will #
00:10:17:13 00:10:19:16 (GREGORIAN CHANTING)
00:10:21:03 00:10:25:17 Behold. This court doth find itself convened
under the eye of God,
00:10:25:19 00:10:29:19 this day of our Lord, Tuesday,
which is called Tuesday.
00:10:29:21 00:10:32:16 So be it. Be it so and not otherwise.
00:10:32:18 00:10:34:05 -Nay.
-Moo.
00:10:34:12 00:10:38:18 As witness my hand hereunto
bearing the great seal of Rotherham.
00:10:38:22 00:10:39:24 Meow.
00:10:40:01 00:10:43:05 All those who do have righteous business
before these presents
00:10:43:07 00:10:46:05 either make sign or say this court nay.
00:10:46:07 00:10:48:08 -Or moo.
-Or, possibly, moo.
00:10:48:10 00:10:52:14 -The charge. Make known the charge.
-Fourteen guineas per calendar hour.
00:10:52:16 00:10:53:17 -Cheap.
-Woof.
00:10:53:19 00:10:58:17 Be it known and appended in these, our records,
that this chalice of Ultra Heat Treated milk,
00:10:58:19 00:11:01:02 being appointed in the wisdom of our Lord God
00:11:01:04 00:11:04:16 to accompany the coffee
of the most reverent and holy Bishop of Uffington,
00:11:04:18 00:11:08:18 did fail to yield up its juices,
therefore most basely causing
00:11:08:20 00:11:10:08 that holy and right goodly man
00:11:10:10 00:11:15:10 to snag his fingernail against the tab,
the which is provided for the opening, thereof.
00:11:15:21 00:11:17:25 -Unto.
-Of it.
00:11:18:10 00:11:19:11 Slightly.
00:11:19:13 00:11:22:07 This snagging the devil having achieved,
00:11:22:09 00:11:26:08 for it must right wise be known
that the devil hath possessed this chalice...
00:11:26:10 00:11:29:09 -Or pot.
-Hath possessed this chalice or pot.
00:11:29:18 00:11:33:18 The lid did open in an irritating little V shape
00:11:33:22 00:11:37:01 and did most lewdly disgorge
its opal fluids
00:11:37:03 00:11:40:12 upon the chaste and seemly waistcoat
of our most godly bishop.
00:11:40:14 00:11:43:19 Thereat proving that the pot is a most wicked pot!
00:11:43:21 00:11:47:08 -Or chalice.
-A most wicked and contumely pot or chalice
00:11:47:10 00:11:49:06 wherein Satan doth play Jackalawkins.
00:11:49:08 00:11:51:03 -This being said...
-And neighed.
00:11:51:05 00:11:54:14 This being said and neighed
unto the articles whereof it is written,
00:11:54:16 00:11:58:13 it should be said and neighed
we do make most erotic demand
00:11:58:15 00:12:01:25 that this chalice or pot and its milk and contents
00:12:02:02 00:12:03:25 be cast into the chasting dish
00:12:04:02 00:12:08:16 thence to be tossed unshriven
and unhouseled into the condign flames
00:12:08:18 00:12:11:08 whence they most surely rose.
00:12:11:19 00:12:13:25 Prepare the chasting dish.
00:12:17:08 00:12:20:00 The chasting dish is prepared.
00:12:21:02 00:12:23:13 The chasting dish is prepared.
00:12:23:15 00:12:27:24 -The opening! The opening!
-The opening and the pouring.
00:12:33:15 00:12:35:03 Bugger.
00:12:36:13 00:12:39:19 There's no such thing as bad publicity, they say.
00:12:39:21 00:12:42:02 Try telling that to Frank Bough.
00:12:43:23 00:12:48:15 I... Personally, I think sandwiches
actually taste better out of Tupperware.
00:12:48:23 00:12:51:07 Because I love the smell. I just...
00:12:51:22 00:12:53:18 I... Oh, I love that.
00:12:54:21 00:12:57:08 Yes, it... It is nice, isn't it?
00:12:57:10 00:13:00:15 There's a little man in the village
who runs up my skirts.
00:13:11:19 00:13:14:20 Yeah, it's... It's mostly legwork, this job.
00:14:01:23 00:14:03:08 (TOILET FLUSHING)
00:14:05:02 00:14:09:06 Alan, my dear boy. Good to see you.
I hope you don't mind, I was just...
00:14:09:08 00:14:11:04 What the hell are you doing here?
How did you get in?
00:14:11:06 00:14:13:07 Your landlady. Charming woman.
00:14:13:09 00:14:16:15 Turns out both she and I
are great fans of Johnny Mathis.
00:14:17:16 00:14:18:23 Ah!
00:14:19:03 00:14:20:19 Yeah, what the hell do you want?
00:14:20:21 00:14:24:14 I'd forgotten your obsession
with Japanese fighting fish.
00:14:24:18 00:14:26:17 You're quite an expert, aren't you?
00:14:26:19 00:14:29:13 Never mind that.
Just say your piece and get the hell out of here.
00:14:29:15 00:14:32:10 Never really could see it myself.
00:14:32:19 00:14:35:15 What is it about them that interests you?
00:14:35:17 00:14:37:10 Japanese fighting fish?
00:14:37:12 00:14:39:05 They're loyal. Honest.
00:14:39:07 00:14:42:03 They don't send you to Aylesbury
on half-arsed operations
00:14:42:05 00:14:43:15 and then sell you down the river.
00:14:43:17 00:14:45:22 Oh, come now, Alan, that's hardly fair.
00:14:45:24 00:14:48:15 -The Department...
-The hell with the Department!
00:14:48:17 00:14:52:02 That's finished. It's over. It's finished with. Over.
00:14:52:12 00:14:55:20 Finished and done with. It's over.
It's completely finished.
00:14:56:00 00:14:58:22 You're right, Alan. I see that now.
I shouldn't have come here.
00:14:58:24 00:15:02:23 You have your own life now. This flat, your fish.
00:15:03:12 00:15:06:23 And there's a girl now, I believe.
00:15:07:00 00:15:08:11 Deborah, is it?
00:15:11:04 00:15:14:16 You wanna know something, read the file, sir.
00:15:15:17 00:15:17:25 Of course, Alan. Of course.
00:15:18:09 00:15:21:17 I shall leave you now.
Thanks for the use of the lavatory.
00:15:23:16 00:15:27:07 -Oh, by the way.
-What now?
00:15:27:14 00:15:31:09 We're reopening the Steinbeck case.
I thought you might be interested.
00:15:31:11 00:15:33:19 Steinbeck? What the hell...?
00:15:33:21 00:15:36:12 You and Steinbeck had quite a lot in common,
didn't you?
00:15:36:14 00:15:40:13 Both orphaned at an early age.
Both took excellent degrees at the Sorbonne.
00:15:40:15 00:15:43:09 Both had trials for West Bromwich Albion.
00:15:43:11 00:15:47:08 You at inside right, Steinbeck in goal,
I think I'm right in saying.
00:15:47:14 00:15:50:01 Both have accounts with John Lewis at Brent Cross.
00:15:50:03 00:15:52:06 -Is that a crime?
-Not at all, my dear boy.
00:15:52:08 00:15:54:23 I'm just pointing out the similarities, that's all.
00:15:55:03 00:15:57:18 And, of course, you both adore fish.
00:15:57:20 00:15:59:19 Really quite remarkable.
00:16:00:04 00:16:01:20 You bastard.
00:16:02:01 00:16:04:23 He trusts you, Alan.
You're the only one who can bring him out alive.
00:16:05:00 00:16:07:14 It's your damn porridge,
use your own damn spoon.
00:16:07:16 00:16:10:04 Please, Alan, don't throw porridge in my face.
00:16:10:06 00:16:13:24 That's completely over. Finished. Done with.
Over and finished with.
00:16:14:01 00:16:16:04 Done over with. Finished. Over.
00:16:16:06 00:16:18:09 You understand? Finished over with.
00:16:18:13 00:16:19:20 Done.
00:16:20:02 00:16:22:02 I seem to have touched a nerve.
00:16:22:04 00:16:25:09 All right, Alan, blast you. 1 5-all.
00:16:25:15 00:16:28:03 We need you, and you need us.
00:16:28:05 00:16:30:09 I need nothing and nobody.
00:16:31:05 00:16:36:23 You need an import licence for those oh-so-pretty
Japanese fighting fish of yours.
00:16:39:05 00:16:41:06 You bloody bastard.
00:16:42:10 00:16:44:24 First class flight to Chichester.
00:16:45:03 00:16:49:00 Table for two on the sleeper
from Chichester to Stroud.
00:16:49:19 00:16:53:21 Hair-trigger, fur-barrel, soft-eared bullets.
Just as you like them.
00:16:54:13 00:16:56:12 You certainly came prepared, didn't you?
00:16:56:14 00:17:00:20 I prefer to put it this way.
I certainly came prepared, didn't I?
00:17:00:24 00:17:02:24 Welsh passport,
00:17:03:01 00:17:05:20 hotel reservations
at the Welcome Break, Low Wycombe,
00:17:05:22 00:17:08:07 all in the name of one Lewis Potter.
00:17:08:09 00:17:11:17 -And the real Lewis Potter?
-A chartered prostitute from Hereford.
00:17:11:19 00:17:14:17 Died two years ago in a smiling accident.
00:17:15:11 00:17:17:05 Will you do it, Alan?
00:17:17:18 00:17:19:22 -You said table for two?
-Of course.
00:17:20:04 00:17:23:02 Allow me to introduce your wife.
00:17:23:11 00:17:27:01 -What the hell?
-You need a new ballcock.
00:17:27:18 00:17:29:24 -I beg your pardon?
-On your cistern.
00:17:30:01 00:17:32:06 I've fixed it for now, but it needs replacing.
00:17:32:08 00:17:36:03 I know you're used to working alone, Alan,
but under the circumstances the Department felt...
00:17:36:05 00:17:37:23 The Department can go to hell!
00:17:38:00 00:17:40:19 I told you, I'm finished, done away with at last.
00:17:40:21 00:17:43:22 Period, no more, full stop, the end, full period.
00:17:44:01 00:17:45:24 You can shove the Department up your arse.
00:17:46:01 00:17:48:09 No, I can't do that, as you very well know, Alan.
00:17:48:11 00:17:51:07 The Department is a large building
housing hundreds of people.
00:17:51:09 00:17:54:17 I couldn't possibly shove it up my arse
without a great deal of discomfort...
00:17:54:19 00:17:56:20 -Excuse me, Admiral.
-What is it, my dear?
00:17:56:22 00:18:00:18 -Major Tarrant seems to doubt my abilities.
-You're damn right.
00:18:00:24 00:18:02:22 Well, I'll leave you two to get acquainted
00:18:02:24 00:18:05:17 while I have another go
on that excellent lavatory of yours.
00:18:05:19 00:18:08:19 Don't worry, my dear.
His bark's much worse than his bite.
00:18:09:17 00:18:12:05 So did he tell you what happened
to my last partner?
00:18:12:07 00:18:14:16 Shot dead on the steps of the Prague Embassy.
00:18:14:18 00:18:16:11 -I've read the file.
-Yeah?
00:18:16:23 00:18:20:03 Well, files ain't a lot of use
when you're staring down the barrel of a knife.
00:18:20:05 00:18:21:20 Nice flat.
00:18:21:23 00:18:23:12 Gets me from A to B.
00:18:23:14 00:18:26:21 Quite a collection of Japanese fighting fish.
Are they good?
00:18:27:00 00:18:31:08 The one on the left's a black belt fourth dan.
The one on the right is retired.
00:18:31:14 00:18:35:21 -You don't like me, do you, Major?
-Save it, lady. I don't have a lot of time.
00:18:36:18 00:18:39:18 Look, if we're gonna be working together,
we might as well be friends.
00:18:39:20 00:18:41:13 I work faster alone.
00:18:41:15 00:18:44:11 Perhaps it'd be a good idea
if we went to bed together.
00:18:44:13 00:18:46:23 Like I said, I work faster alone.
00:18:47:19 00:18:50:20 -Me, too. Have you got two bedrooms?
-Sure.
00:18:50:23 00:18:52:25 I'll take this one. You take the other.
00:18:59:24 00:19:01:14 -Better?
-Much.
00:19:01:17 00:19:03:14 -I don't even know your name.
-Does it matter?
00:19:03:16 00:19:04:18 I guess not.
00:19:04:20 00:19:08:07 Look, if you wanna make yourself useful,
you could start by fixing us a pair of drinks.
00:19:08:09 00:19:09:21 -You'll find some whisky above...
-Above the sink.
00:19:09:23 00:19:13:11 -I know. I've read the file, remember?
-You minx.
00:19:13:14 00:19:14:14 (TOILET FLUSHING)
00:19:14:16 00:19:18:12 Oh, that really was most enjoyable.
Would anyone else like a go?
00:19:18:20 00:19:21:24 No? Well, in that case,
I think I might have another turn myself.
00:19:22:01 00:19:23:18 Really most excellent.
00:19:26:06 00:19:27:24 What does he do in there?
00:19:28:11 00:19:30:02 I've really no idea.
00:19:33:19 00:19:35:16 # The world is ever sliding
00:19:35:18 00:19:38:03 # Ever gliding, ever turning
00:19:38:05 00:19:41:13 # Ever yearning and colliding
00:19:42:11 00:19:44:16 # The stairs begin to creak
00:19:44:19 00:19:46:25 # You turn but cannot speak
00:19:47:02 00:19:49:12 #As the bubble starts to squeak
00:19:49:14 00:19:52:18 #And you find the truth you seek
00:19:53:18 00:19:56:23 # You, yes, you, you, you
00:19:57:00 00:19:59:14 # It's you I'm speaking to
00:19:59:16 00:20:02:13 # You, the sparkle of my fright
00:20:02:15 00:20:05:02 # The goddess of what seems
00:20:05:04 00:20:07:16 # The starling of my night
00:20:07:18 00:20:10:08 # The parcel of my dreams
00:20:10:10 00:20:14:00 #Just the parcel of my dreams
00:20:14:04 00:20:15:18 # Oh, yes
00:20:16:15 00:20:19:21 # You, yes, you, you, you
00:20:19:23 00:20:22:23 # The you who do what none can do
00:20:23:00 00:20:25:23 # The you that haunts my ears
00:20:26:00 00:20:28:25 # On the shortlist of wasted rains
00:20:29:02 00:20:31:21 # The avenue of chandeliers
00:20:31:23 00:20:35:01 # That shames my frozen veins
00:20:35:03 00:20:39:05 # That shames my frozen veins, not yet
00:20:39:07 00:20:41:06 # The world is ever hiding
00:20:41:08 00:20:43:08 # Ever riding, ever churning
00:20:43:10 00:20:46:13 # Ever burning and dividing
00:20:47:06 00:20:51:17 # For the horse bestrides the cart
And the temple rent apart
00:20:51:19 00:20:54:03 #And thou wilt be what thou art
00:20:54:05 00:20:58:10 #As your hand becomes your heart
00:20:59:06 00:21:02:13 # You, yes, you, you, you
00:21:02:16 00:21:05:24 # The you who knows what once I knew
00:21:06:01 00:21:08:21 # The you that spits my blood
00:21:08:23 00:21:11:25 #And stares at both my clouds
00:21:12:03 00:21:14:19 # You wear a sleeve of mud
00:21:14:21 00:21:17:21 # Your cuffs become my shrouds
00:21:17:23 00:21:20:23 # Your cuffs become my shrouds
00:21:21:00 00:21:22:09 # Oh, why?
00:21:22:11 00:21:25:18 # You, yes, you, you, you
00:21:25:20 00:21:28:21 # The which, why, how and who
00:21:28:23 00:21:31:17 # You crumple the skirts of need
00:21:31:19 00:21:33:18 # In the belly of desire
00:21:33:20 00:21:36:08 # Where my freshly planted seed
00:21:36:10 00:21:40:01 # Can spin its tangled wire
00:21:40:03 00:21:43:04 # Can spin its tangled wire
00:21:43:07 00:21:45:02 # It is finished #
00:21:51:21 00:21:54:21 Yes, I've... I've smoked pot, erm, only once.
00:21:55:05 00:21:58:25 But, it was... It was strange, really,
because I got arrested and sent to prison.
00:21:59:02 00:22:01:22 And my parents were shunned
by the local community,
00:22:01:24 00:22:04:23 and my father lost his job,
and my mother became an alcoholic,
00:22:05:00 00:22:08:03 and my sister and I were put into care,
and now I'm homeless.
00:22:08:05 00:22:10:21 All from smoking pot. It's funny, really, isn't it?
00:22:12:05 00:22:16:03 What, this old thing?
Well, it could be a help and a hindrance.
00:22:16:21 00:22:20:07 On the plus side,
I can get into Ronnie Scott's half price.
00:22:20:15 00:22:23:13 On the minus side, I do look a complete tosser.
00:22:24:20 00:22:28:13 Yes, I drive a Vauxhall Nova Splash.
00:22:28:18 00:22:30:02 It's a limited edition.
00:22:30:04 00:22:33:04 I think they only made
one and a half million of them.
00:22:34:11 00:22:38:15 These?
Bernard Matthews' Golden Turkey Drummers.
00:22:38:19 00:22:41:03 You'd be surprised how versatile they are.
00:22:41:05 00:22:43:13 I've got one in at the moment, actually.
00:22:46:09 00:22:48:17 So I think it would be useful if we started
00:22:48:19 00:22:52:05 by your telling me something
about your state of mind at the moment.
00:22:52:07 00:22:55:21 How would you describe it?
Would you say you were happy or depressed?
00:22:55:23 00:22:57:24 Confident or unsure of yourself?
00:22:58:01 00:23:01:08 What words would you use
to describe your mood, would you say?
00:23:01:10 00:23:02:17 Take your time.
00:23:04:14 00:23:07:04 Fascinating. Absolutely fascinating.
00:23:07:06 00:23:11:17 Your problem seems to centre around
the delusion that you are a psychiatrist
00:23:12:20 00:23:15:12 and that everyone you speak to
is a patient of some sort.
00:23:15:14 00:23:18:02 This is a rare but not unheard of syndrome.
00:23:19:11 00:23:23:01 I think perhaps it would be helpful now
if we talked a little bit about your mother.
00:23:23:03 00:23:24:20 What are your feelings towards your mother?
00:23:24:22 00:23:27:04 Extraordinary, really. Very intriguing.
Now why mother?
00:23:27:06 00:23:30:11 Was your mother affectionate towards you
when you were small?
00:23:30:13 00:23:35:13 Affection? Affection, that's interesting.
I wonder why you chose that word particularly.
00:23:35:22 00:23:39:04 I think it will be helpful if you told me
at this point, if you can remember,
00:23:39:06 00:23:42:00 whether or not you were breastfed as an infant.
00:23:42:15 00:23:46:11 Already, you see, we're focusing in on breasts.
Good, good.
00:23:46:13 00:23:49:18 Now, how do you feel about breasts now?
Do they... Do they frighten you?
00:23:49:20 00:23:51:02 Because, again, this is quite common.
00:23:51:04 00:23:52:22 Breasts and fear.
00:23:52:24 00:23:55:16 Ah, now, that is very interesting, breasts and fear.
00:23:55:18 00:23:57:05 Fascinating association.
00:23:57:07 00:23:59:22 Where do you think your father fits
into that association?
00:23:59:24 00:24:02:14 Right, right. Absolutely classic. Father, father...
00:24:02:16 00:24:04:23 All right, so let's imagine a line, shall we?
00:24:05:00 00:24:08:11 We have fear at one end, breasts at the other.
00:24:08:13 00:24:11:06 Now, where would you place your father
on that line?
00:24:11:08 00:24:14:11 Lines. Lines. Now that is... That is interesting.
00:24:14:13 00:24:16:15 Line... I may ask you
to draw those lines in a minute
00:24:16:17 00:24:20:13 in something we call a Bender-Gestalt test,
which can be very revealing.
00:24:20:15 00:24:24:04 But lines, let's explore those for a moment.
They're very penetrative, aren't they?
00:24:24:06 00:24:27:16 Very, very thrusting, very male, very masculine.
00:24:27:23 00:24:30:05 -They urge onwards, don't they?
-Right, right.
00:24:30:07 00:24:33:24 So now at last the layers are beginning to unpeel.
This is very important.
00:24:34:01 00:24:37:00 So we have... We have breasts. We have fear.
00:24:37:02 00:24:41:02 We have male thrusting, penetrative, urging,
00:24:41:05 00:24:45:05 some sort of psychiatric jargon you've picked up
from the Reader's Digest.
00:24:45:24 00:24:48:09 How often would you say you masturbated?
00:24:49:07 00:24:51:18 Now, I'm gonna be really quite firm now, all right?
00:24:52:03 00:24:56:05 -I'm the doctor. You are the patient.
-Yes, that's right.
00:24:56:07 00:25:00:13 Now, I'm sorry, I want to hear you say it.
I want to hear you say, ''I am the patient.''
00:25:00:15 00:25:02:21 -What was that?
-''I am the patient.''
00:25:03:01 00:25:04:12 Good, good. That's a breakthrough.
00:25:04:14 00:25:07:13 Now that you can say that,
now that you can admit it,
00:25:07:15 00:25:09:09 we can proceed. Excellent.
00:25:09:11 00:25:10:15 (SIGHING)
00:25:10:17 00:25:12:11 You are the patient.
00:25:12:15 00:25:15:03 I am, you are. Perhaps we're all patients.
00:25:15:05 00:25:17:04 No, I am not a patient.
00:25:17:06 00:25:19:21 Now, now, please remain calm, Mr Windrush.
00:25:19:23 00:25:21:03 Dr Windrush.
00:25:21:05 00:25:24:17 Now, you realise that I only have to lift this phone,
you will be restrained.
00:25:24:19 00:25:25:21 WOMAN: Yes, hello?
00:25:25:23 00:25:29:04 -Yes, it's all right, Rebecca, I'm in a session...
-Don't worry, thank you, Rebecca.
00:25:29:06 00:25:32:07 -He's just a patient. Don't worry about it.
-There's nothing to worry about.
00:25:32:22 00:25:37:09 Now, look, I can't help you
unless you stop playing this ridiculous game.
00:25:37:14 00:25:41:00 Extraordinary. I don't think I've ever come across
a more deeply embedded illusion.
00:25:41:02 00:25:42:08 It is not an illusion.
00:25:42:10 00:25:45:09 Your last doctor tried you on a course of Lentizol,
I believe.
00:25:45:11 00:25:46:22 Did you find that helped at all?
00:25:46:24 00:25:49:07 All right, let's go right back to the beginning,
shall we?
00:25:49:09 00:25:51:15 If you are, as you think, a doctor...
00:25:51:17 00:25:52:17 (TIMER BUZZING)
00:25:52:22 00:25:56:22 Well, I'm sorry, that's the full hour, Mr Windrush.
Shall we say same time next week?
00:25:56:24 00:26:00:02 Er, yes, I think I can fit you in
same time next week.
00:26:00:04 00:26:01:04 Perhaps for the next session
00:26:01:06 00:26:03:15 you could bring some photographs
of your parents. That might be useful.
00:26:03:17 00:26:06:05 Yes, I think I might try you
on a course of hypnosis next time.
00:26:06:07 00:26:10:12 And if you'll just confirm that appointment
with Rebecca on the way out. Thank you.
00:26:10:15 00:26:11:15 Mmm.
00:26:13:15 00:26:15:17 Oh. You're both here.
00:26:16:07 00:26:19:07 Well, I think I'm seeing you first, Mr Windrush.
00:26:21:07 00:26:25:04 Would you mind waiting outside, Mr Johanssen?
You're a little bit early.
00:26:25:13 00:26:27:06 Rebecca, two teas, please.
00:26:28:15 00:26:30:17 Extraordinary.
00:26:31:02 00:26:34:12 -So deep-seated.
-Simply fascinating.
00:26:34:20 00:26:37:16 -Well, that was just...
-Do sit down, Mrs Meddlicott...
00:26:37:18 00:26:40:09 -Have a seat... I'm finished my session with him.
-He's on his way out.
00:26:43:00 00:26:45:01 (PLAYING INEXPERTLY)
00:26:51:08 00:26:54:17 The interesting thing is
I've never had a lesson in my life.
00:26:56:13 00:26:58:07 But then, you see,
00:26:58:15 00:27:02:08 I'd have to say that my mother and I
have never really agreed on...
00:27:03:04 00:27:07:06 Hold on, you've got a...
You've got a bit of a spec of dirt on the camera.
00:27:08:04 00:27:09:18 There you go.
00:27:11:20 00:27:14:04 Well, that's about it for this week.
00:27:14:06 00:27:16:15 That's right.
We seem to have exceeded our allotted time.
00:27:16:17 00:27:17:20 -Hugh, old love?
-What?
00:27:17:22 00:27:21:03 -Button it. There's a dear.
-Right. Yes, of course. I'm sorry.
00:27:21:05 00:27:25:04 So until we happen into each other once again,
it's good night from me.
00:27:25:06 00:27:27:02 And it's good night from me.
00:27:27:04 00:27:30:16 We're going to leave you with
tonight's cocktail recipe.
00:27:30:18 00:27:33:00 Tonight it's Whisky Thunder.
00:27:33:02 00:27:35:21 For this you'll need whisky, Angostura bitters,
00:27:35:23 00:27:39:13 lemon juice,
a pint of oh-so-fresh-fresh dairy cream,
00:27:39:15 00:27:41:12 two olives and a peanut.
00:27:41:21 00:27:44:09 Please, Mr Music, will you play.
00:27:45:10 00:27:48:05 (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
00:28:06:24 00:28:10:01 (IMITATING TRUMPET PLAYING)
00:28:34:21 00:28:36:13 -Soupy twist.
-Soupy twist.